I'm back again with thoughts of what to say in this posting. In keeping in line with the topic of getting out of my comfort zone or what might have kept me in a comfort zone in the first place, I suppose I could bring up a little of my past in sharing who I am. My past and the events of my past are all a part of who I am today. This is the same with anyone. We are all a result of our past. We are shaped by the people and events of the past and how we reacted and developed and chose to become.
My mother was a big "maker" of my past even though she may not have realized she was having the particular type of affect on me that she did. (I do not mean to show her disrespect by anything I will say, but it is the way it was while I was growing up and it is what helped make me what I am today in my character). I would often be given a task to do, then when not completed to my mother's specifications, she would usually proceed with cutting remarks like "What the hell good are you anyway?", or "Can't you ever do anything right?". Now, I mention this only to show that words can fashion your life. I eventually grew up believing those words. I battle them constantly and hear them echo in my head every time I seek to do anything new or make any mistake in any task.
The person who said she thought I am bold does not know the road I have traveled to get this far. When everything within me screams to hide because I am worthless and I can't do what I want, but I know with all my heart that I am worth more than my past tells me, I know I must do whatever it is I have chosen to do. I will not give in. I can't give in.
I can only say that it has been in small steps that I have taken to get this far on the road toward boldness. I believe it began with a desire to play softball when I was in 8th grade. I remember stepping up to the plate to swing at the ball coming toward me. There were people watching me!!!!! What if I missed? What if I did this or that? The coach said "Watch the ball" and you know what......when you are concentrating on watching the ball and doing what you are supposed to do, you don't see the people. I remember it felt fabulous when I hit that ball. I knew I could do anything I wanted because I just did. And I still do.
Gee Brenda, if I didn't know that my Mom was an "only child" I would've thought yours and mine were sisters! What I found even worse, was many years ago, before Christ began working in me, those very same words that cut me to the core, I echoed on my own children as a young, stressed out single Mom raising 3 kids alone. I thank God for His forgiveness, and the ability to become more than what the echoes of phantoms say I can be. I went from being a shadow of my own Mom to being a therapeutic foster home building up the most difficult of children. That is ALL GOD!
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