Trust Issues

 "What do you have to be that depressed about?  You don't need to be thinking about suicide.  Don't be silly."  That was all that was said.  I was open and honest and had thought I could trust this person to know my heart, to know I was sincere.  Again, my heart was struck with the pain of insincerity.  They did not take me seriously, did not believe me.  I began to close off.  Why trust someone when I could not be believed when I shared my heart?

  I was walking down the sidewalk in the lonely one-street village where my husband was the Pastor of the tiny mission.  The man coming towards me on the same side of the street saw me, crossed the street, walked passed me, then crossed the street again to walk behind me.  It seemed no one wanted us there.  This simple action devastated me.  The people who came to the church services were from outside of the village.  I did what I could to make friends when people would talk to me.  But that was rare and usually only to those "outsiders".  I was so lonely.  The people made it clear the did not want us there.  I began to close in on myself even more.  Who could I trust?

  When you trust someone you become vulnerable.  Part of what I am doing here in this blog is opening up and allowing myself to become vulnerable.  I do not easily trust people.  It began early on and is a habit not easily broken.  It is part of my "comfort zone" to hide in my own world, safe from the hurts others have inflicted and pain I have allowed others to inflict.  In the variety of ways in the recent years I  have actually begun to get out of my comfort zone and to become "bold", even though I do not feel bold, I have found that I still do not trust people and find becoming vulnerable a horrible task.  Thus is the reason for inflicting this blog on my family and friends.  Maybe by writing this blog, I can aide someone and in the same step aide myself.

What do you think?